I need a FRESH start!! 

I dunno... I told her how I felt. Was afraid I'd chose the wrong words or she'd think I was just bullshitin. I was nervous. I don't get nervous. Don't get intimidated easily... but I feel like if we were having the conversation in person she'd look right t h r u me. Not that that would be a bad thing, cuz then she'd see that I am sincere. But the question "why do you like me?" also brought the fact that I still don't know her extremely well to the surface. I have a general idea about her. So yeah, I HATE to put myself out there... but I'll do it if I feel the person is worth me getting my feelings hurt or being a lil embarrassed. She's worth that. Where to from here? I dunno. Shit, she mighta thought I was just spittin' some bullsh**, but I guess I gotta ask that too. (Cross my fingers, wish me luck... here goes nothin'!) Update: I think I need to just... do what I been sayin I was gonna do and chill now that she knows how I feel. I can't just stop liking someone... but. I dunno. I'ma do SOMETHING to make myself feel better right now. Thats hard tho. Cuz I said I wasn't ever gonna go for someone younger than me again... and you see what the fukk I do?? Two years isn't a big deal, but its the principalities... lol.

Then on some real shit, I was talking to Kanika tonight (was with her allllll damn day cuz Monday is her b-day), and I just started thinkin'... Yo, I want a fresh start. I dunno how I'm gonna get that though. This rainbow community is so small and I just hate that everything I do has to be on the hush cuz I might mention a name and then someone knows somebody else that used to do this, that, or the other and wanna provide their unwanted opinions. I'm tired of that shit. And I'm extra tired of ex's that wanna lay claim and pop the fukk up when they feel like it. So, Boo-fukka and bye-bye to them. I don't have the strength or the patience anymore. If we are ex's I'm not getting back with you cuz everyone wants to talk all this big promise of change and most of y'all HAVE NOT changed. At all. I just want to start over... cuz I have messed up a few times in the past and I don't want any of that coming back on me. But I guess it is. Or it will. Fukk. We can't be perfect. I don't really strive for perfection; I just live and try to hurt as few people along the way as I can. That’s all I can say for now. I have a lot on my mind tho and I'm not sure how I'ma get all this shit outta my head.

I'm tired of people in my life in these FUKKED up cycles. Young. Walk away. . I'm bout to walk away from a bunch of shit. You can too.