I will break down what I mean. When things affect me or hurt me, I can't just let it be known because that makes me feel vulnerable. I just gotta pretend that I'm okay. It was how I was raised... conditioned. My parents, I love them dearly, had a hand in it. I remember once when I was in high school, I came home crying hysterically because a friend of mine (Leander) had been shot and killed. When I told my mom, all she did was ask was he my boyfriend and if I kissed him. I was so confused, like... what does that have to do with anything!? I was in pain. She didn't care. When I had my breakdown about a year ago... she brushed it off. I told my dad and he changed the subject to blackplanet. So... please, explain to me who the fukk I learned to talk to when I was hurting? I learned to talk to PAPER. Fukking paper! And people wonder why I hold how I really feel inside.

I tried to explain how I felt tho. Maybe I will try again since she reads this... I love you. As a friend... yes, but still love no less. What happened between us was a mistake. A result of my weakness after initially being rejected. And I apologized. Told you how sorry I was for putting you in that position. I was prepared to just leave you alone and just be a friend. God... I don't know how to explain that I missed you but could never be with you. So yes, I was selfish momentarily. I took what I could. Accepted what I could not change and let my sounds of passion fill my apartment for those few days. Yes, I enjoyed it and the only thing that could have made it better was if you DIDN'T have a girlfriend. But you did and do... I am so happy for you. Happier than you could even fathom. Looks like I'm hating tho, doesn't it? Not even. I'm so glad that you have someone that compliments your spirit and loves you as much as she does. Lol. She is as fly as she wants to be... I guess seeing your signatures hit me in a way I wasn't expecting and it hurt so bad. I can't explain what was going through my head. I still don't know. But I just had to put some distance in there. I mean, to see that after you said, "our being intimate strengthened your relationship". After she called me selfish... after having my morals attacked by her.

I feel like everything I do has to be explained all the time for anyone to really get it. Why can't I just do something... why does it have to make sense to you... when you aren't me...? did you ever once think about how I felt? Probably not. You know that I will push people away if it means getting myself together. YOU KNOW THAT!! So why am I being attacked? Damn. You think its bullshit... you think I'm walking all over you, huh? I am not expecting you to hide you're love for her from me... not like you did before (walking out of the room whenever she called... I am not stupid). I just want you to understand that I am affected... was affected... I am not as numb as I yearn to be. I wish I could keep my heart on ice and only thaw it out when I felt it was necessary.