Saturday, December 11, 2004
Gotdamnit...
So. Ummm.... Man. Fukk! What do I wanna say? I'ma just die... I kno it. I'ma fukkin' fall in the floor. I hate to admit needing someone, but I just need a little support from her right now. I just need to know that she's there. But I don't feel that right now......... And she's...... doin her own thing. Keeping her distance. So fukkit... I'll deal on my own. I don't need anything from anyone. Not like it helped anyway. I've talked and I'm still angry.
Posted at 09:26 pm by MyntalTouch
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Death.
I don't know how else to really say it. There are several situations that come along with Death for the griever. You either loved the person soooo much and are forced to find a way to cope. You had some ill feelings that were still inside and now there is no way to really get it out.... but you wanted to mend things. Ooooor... you are indifferent and have to find a way to feel on your own. I am a mixture of the first 2. My great-aunt is pretty much gone... Lived a long life, thank the Lord.... but she has slipped away. I had some ill feelings towards her from the past, but I had not so much held them against her anymore. At this point my tears are because this situation is like fukkin de ja vu. And she was my last link to my GrandDaddy...... and looked a lot like him... And shit.... she was like our "Big Mama". Our family is gonna fall apart. I am nooooooot looking forward to going back to NC. When someone that important passes in the family, can't nobody cheer another person up. We too busy trying to keep ourselves from gettin hysterical. I just want to go to sleep..... Cuz this seems calm and I KNO better.... this ain't nothin but the calm before the storm. If it wasn't raining I'd go for a walk. I'm just glad that I got to see her one last time..... Got to say goodbye... Got to kiss her on the cheek... Got to make her laugh.... make her feel good. I'm in pain, but man... at least she ain't anymore.
Ugh.... I just want to really be left alone.
Posted at 10:56 pm by MyntalTouch
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Sometimes.
Sometimes, I start daydreaming about her and my body get so subtly worked up that... I get dizzy. No. Seriously. I really get lightheaded when my thoughts of her truly take over. Thank goodness usually I'm sitting down.
In Like.
Deeply. Moving smoothly to the greater good. Already liking her scent thats left when she's no longer here.... Unique to her. Don't really know what to say about other than that, anymore would be too much.
Skool.
Is for people with patience. Unfortunately, I've been here for damn near 4 years and I was at the end a long time ago. I just didn't want to give up. Or something like that.
Posted at 12:22 am by MyntalTouch
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Emotion: Loneliness
I felt that if L O V E filled me then it would move thru me .... spill out into some other's heart and... brighten her world. Light up her life.
It did, but she left with my L O V E and me?
I was left in the dark... slowly growing colder from the mold that women poured me into... making me into some delicate soul with a thin shell.... Swelling, ready to bust at the seems and just....
Cry.
Tears jerk me back to reality that all I really have is ME but my heart adds a few 2 cents to say... "...its ok that you're lonely"
And it was.
I piled on the responsiblities and the people that would need and depend upon me in hopes that all the emptiness could be forgotten.. but... she called...
She called just to say how much she missed me and wanted to get inside my head AND my bed... unknowingly blowing me and inflating the hole within me till i sink....
Deeper and deeper.... Cuz she's got a wife. And I am NOT her.
So then she hits me up.... telling me she misses my hair and my voice and how we were.... but... the hole just gets deeper
Deeper cuz she too has a wife and I am NOT her... either....
So instead of L O V E freeing itself within me, it seems to keep catering to those that wish to scratch at my surface until I give birth to Lust.... In love I trusted. Adoration posing as wooing words, it let HER thrust 3 fingers inside me and pull out that last little light of mine...
Deeper I sank cuz she somehow found a wife... and I was NOT her.
I am not perfect. But I am human. I am not sad. I'm just hurting still. I am not bruised or battered or wounded.... but I am healing. I AM willing to wait till L O V E happens upon me... cuz I don't have the heart to look...
Posted at 01:44 am by MyntalTouch
Sunday, November 14, 2004
confessions pt 2 (about Kaluha)
if i could, this is what i'd say
i have placed myself inside this
box of responsibility
knowing now that
there are many things on my shoulders
and
various humps to get over.
its hard to pursue love when
life demands more of my attention
i am imperfect
jealous, easily hurt
deeply infatuated but
can't help but to think
am i fabricating something out of nothing
is it all a dream
i made myself fall in like, in lust
i
trust this is not how it was
supposed to go
but its real and
my rollercoaster ride isn't done
feels like God gave you someone
until i'm ready
because i can't take you
on this ride with me
hopefully,
you'll be there
when i finally get off....
The Break Down......
i guess i should break this down. besically, there is a lot going on in my life right now with school and my health and... just life in general. but i like someone a lot and i haven't really divulged my true feelings to her. i want to, but we haven't met face-to-face yet so.... i dunno. she may not even like what she sees in me... but my point is that i think now is not the best time for me to try anything with her. God knows me and knows my heart. He knows i am not the type to interfere when i see someone "happy" or content with someone else.... He knows i jump to conclusions sometimes and that i will back off.... even for an "interest" (hint). lol.... He knows thats all it will take to keep me going in the direction i need to go until my rollercoaster ride starts coming to a close....... i can't afford to lose my phokis at all. not now, of all times.... even if i wanted to, its not fair to try to bring her into my mess. she deserves my full attention and i know that right now i can't give it to her. still..... i don't think she knows how i feel and very few of my friends know. thats kinda serious.... considering that i want to just tell her and the rest of the world.....
Posted at 04:53 am by MyntalTouch
Thursday, November 11, 2004
I guess.... that its ok for me to be the other woman... on the side.... the after thought. I guess.... people don't see where I'm coming from. I want to be number one. I'm not hearing anything less. You talkin to air.
She misses me.... I was thought about. That was sweet. I wouldn't say it back... I didn't want to. I didn't say it back when ***** missed me.. I won't say it now. I just said, awwww.... thats nice. It is. Nice to be thought about every now and again. I guess.
Whatever.
I remember the security of being in a relationship and I don't have that anymore. I miss that and I don't care how it makes me look or what that seems like to people.... Not even upset... Just thinking, I guess.
Posted at 02:57 am by MyntalTouch
Monday, November 08, 2004
A lil background info. I wrote this to someone in conversation, and they were my inspiration. I guess you could say it was to her. But I didn't wanna say it like that, I told her it was with someone in mind. She was that someone. I don't think she as ever thought of me like that tho.... But I see something in her. So read and enjoy. Appreciate but don't take it... thanks.
Closer .......
closer... move closer... beside me... inside my morning thoughts... trailing with me as i hum my favorite tune that, today, reminds me of you... tomorrow it will change and i'll sway to it on my way to work... closer... be more than what is... be here with me. making my present and future look... so much better together than before there was a "you"... before i saw u with me.
i'm never sure where i'm going... but i'll get there... you'll take me. help me stay in relative proximity of whats really important and let negative things fade to black... becoming dormant... lighting up my life and becoming my ribbon in the sky... i... want to be closer than this. closer than now... i'm hoping as i'm thinking... as you're reading, that you know what i mean. i just have this overwhelming desire to hold you... and become closer to my dreams. i dream with eyes wide open... in broad day light.... sun shining. a reality.
gradually, you'll be glad to see that the visions we see apart join as we come together... forming a bigger picture. abstract, but beautiful in "our" own unique way. soothing on days gone wrong. as uplifting as a sweet memory. till then i am nervous and unsure... filled with wishful thinking, pretending i'm chillin and not really as into you as i sometimes seem. not ready to be where i want to be... there is a tranquility in you that pulls me... closer... so close, i almost caress your cheek my own calm. i'm so close that i am almost telling you how i feel in plain words. Posted at 03:37 am by MyntalTouch
Saturday, November 06, 2004
I had a Gay Movie Night for One in my room tonight... I watched "But I'm a Cheerleader", just got finished watching "If These Walls Could Talk 2" and next I'm probably going to watch "Bound"... again. I had Kay in here watching that lastnight. One day I'll get "Better Than Chocolate". Can't wait to add it to my collection.
Glass Vase Cello Case by Tattle Tale
breathe into my hands
i'll cup them like a glass to drink from
are you still
still breathin'
are you still
breathin'
are you still
still breathin'
are you still
breathin'
breathe into my hands
i'll cup them like a glass to drink from
That song was in "But I'm a Cheerleader".... Its so sexy and tranquil... Makes me wanna go make love to the woman I love. (I mean, if I were in love or had a love of my own... lol) And I bought 2 new lesbian books. Skin Deep 2 (real-life lesbian sex stories.... although I am still reading the first one) and Bedroom Eyes, which is also pretty nice. I have a thing for short stories of lesbianism, erotica, fiction, anything really.
I've been thinking that gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered individuals form their own socialized culture.... but within it, there are broken down subcultures based on race and identity. Caucasians are more likely to not identify with a label, be "high femme", or call themselves "butch" while African Americans have "dom", "stud", "fem", "aggressives/AGs", versatile, queen... and so on... Mind you, I'm being general because its late and I can't think of ALL the names I've heard. I say all this to say that African Americans really need their own gay and lesbian movies..... The ones I've watched tonight are cool and everything but damn..... I'd really like to see a lil color up in there. Maybe someone that speaks or acts like me.... SOMETHING. Thats my ventilation on that though. I'm done until I get through brainstorming. My day has been pretty gay today so I mean.... what can you expect.
Outside Your Door by Meshell N'Degeocello
Here I am waiting.
Just waiting.
Anticipating a chance to run into you.
I sit here for hours.
One day I even sat through a rain shower.
For just a glance.
A chance to talk to you.
You're probably wondering how I even know you.
For now you're just my dream.
And when I wake up I hope you talk to me.
Here I sit outside your door.
Talk to me.
I'd be content to just sit here and talk to you.
In my dreams you love me and me only.
The way you kiss and hold me.
Love is what I search and search to find.
But until then I'll just dream for the meantime.
I love that song for its timeless obsession and wanting.... I love it for the way she sings it.... I love it for the way it has been only a whisper in my head while thinking of someone.... wanting them... being too shy to step up and venture speaking. I'm a such a Piscean... such a dreamer..... I'm going to sleep now, I feel wistful... is that a word? Lol. Sounds like something close to one. Goodnight. Posted at 01:39 am by MyntalTouch
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
I Remember
I remember sitting and watching my aubie make all kinds of crafts. She used to paint and decorate the envelopes that she mailed to me. She was my pen pal.
I remember my mommy singing that Beatles song to me.... "I love you yeah yeah yeah... I love you yeah yeah yeah.... I love you yeeeah yeeeah yeeah yeeah...." It made me giggle. I felt loved.
I remember The BOX on cable.... lol.... I always wanted to call and request a video.
I remember always taking family pictures when I was little......
I remember seeing my parents really fight for the first time. My mom got in that ASS because he took me around the woman he was cheating with. Man.... I remember her leaving and my dad had to do my hair for school and it looked a mess. My mom worked at the school I went to so my teachers, I'm sure, thought something was up when they had to re-do my hair at 9 in the morning. That was a weird time.
I remember....... more than people think I do.
Posted at 02:59 pm by MyntalTouch
Monday, November 01, 2004
Sexual FreeWriting...
I've been dreaming for a while of this woman.... strong in her own way... hands soft enough to melt my soul.... but tough enough to handle me... fuck me... make me beg for permission to cum... then lose control until I.... have no energy left and I am hers... strapped up and bound to the bedpost by my curiosity she'll just watch me for a while, letting anticipation build... spilling over into the next room... down the hall... out the front door... until the neighbors can hear... I've been dreaming of this woman.... but I don't kno her name. There is no shame in it... nothing to really explain. Most people would say I am too free but... plain and simple, my attraction to her only solidifies my complexity... confuses me by the way I want to submit... it's... different... I mean... I want her so bad that when I see her my toes tingle and I am high with her fever... its infectious and splendid... transforming anything I touch into an extension of my thoughts... people... places... things... any noun, adjective, or verb drips with juices produced by the mere thought of her... I'm adding that extra switch to my hips… to create a friction... just to cure this addiction until I can finally get to her... tired of swallowing back my hunger for her, squeezing my thighs tighter for her, trying not to think about how long I have until that first stroke... waiting... patiently... but I am sitting in sociology bored… anticipating the time when she and I can become our own subculture... just the 2 of us... playful, hungry.... bordering on satisfaction... more than insatiable... I'm dying in calculus... I want to be her sine and she my cosine and then we flip around... riding on a tangent.... a wave of 6 senses heightened... She's in my mind, making a home... coaxing me to cum again and again and again for her... when I think she is finished with me she lets me breathe briefly... I'm catching parts of her breath with a gentle kiss because my own is too shallow.... but her energy magnificently restores me and there we are again.... tangled up, limbs confused, skin glistening and connected, sheets terribly wrong while we are oh so right.... she is making my day, my night, my everything... licking my worries away and sucking on my anxieties until they disappear into a comfort zone. To say I just dream about her does no justice... but I haven't found any words to fit this better... so she is my dream... my fantasy... my vision... whispering secrets into my pussy that I dare not tell a soul... making promises while consoling my clit... massaging me into another orgasm against my will... and when it is finally my turn to thank her and bless her with everything in me I do everything so necessarily s l o w l y... letting my long hair tease her nipples as I worship her flesh and indulge in my weakness for chocolate.... before I kiss her or taste her or even acquaint my tongue with her... I just want to feel her body heat... let it graze my lashes and optically absorb everything as a whole... make this one long memory to play pack on days and moments when I can't get to her, introduce my fingertips to every goose bump... every mole.... any birthmarks... molding her entire skin tone... I'm taking my time because we're alone.... just us... having a conversation without any words.... our dialogue unique, never repeating... but I have waited long enough for her, I can't wait to just.... devour... every.... inch... of.... her.... pussy.... It is finally all mine and I plan on being between those smooth thighs for a long ass time...
AfterGlow
I just wanted to put that in here even tho I wrote it last week sometime. Usually I think, and then sit and write and then struggle trying to find what I really wanna say. This time, I just started writing and I didn't stop until I couldn't carry it on any further. It was my free-writing.... Wow, that thing is LONG. Lol... But I like it. Some other people do too. "She" says I think about sex too much (true) and need to be fukked one good time to get it out of my system. Once wouldn't be enough, but I didn't argue with her. She's such a smart ass... Ha!
Damnit!
I was looking for the lyrics to Break Away by Kelly Clarkston. I couldn't find them. I tried to download the song.... No luck there either. Why must simple things be so hard? I mean, really!
Seconds of Pleasure
I met Van Hunt on Friday. I bought his CD again just so that he could sign it. Thats a FAN right there, lol. Amber asked if she could have my older copy and I said sure.... But I am listening to his CD now. Its still so nice... just like the first time. I know it feels good to have your art appreciated.
Closing Out...
Well... Seeing as how I am sick, I'm gonna take this on to bed and go to sleep. Its been real. I just remembered that I had things to vent about but.... None of them are really worth the space they'd take up. So screw it. Night night!
Posted at 11:34 pm by MyntalTouch
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