I need a FRESH start!! 

I dunno... I told her how I felt. Was afraid I'd chose the wrong words or she'd think I was just bullshitin. I was nervous. I don't get nervous. Don't get intimidated easily... but I feel like if we were having the conversation in person she'd look right t h r u me. Not that that would be a bad thing, cuz then she'd see that I am sincere. But the question "why do you like me?" also brought the fact that I still don't know her extremely well to the surface. I have a general idea about her. So yeah, I HATE to put myself out there... but I'll do it if I feel the person is worth me getting my feelings hurt or being a lil embarrassed. She's worth that. Where to from here? I dunno. Shit, she mighta thought I was just spittin' some bullsh**, but I guess I gotta ask that too. (Cross my fingers, wish me luck... here goes nothin'!) Update: I think I need to just... do what I been sayin I was gonna do and chill now that she knows how I feel. I can't just stop liking someone... but. I dunno. I'ma do SOMETHING to make myself feel better right now. Thats hard tho. Cuz I said I wasn't ever gonna go for someone younger than me again... and you see what the fukk I do?? Two years isn't a big deal, but its the principalities... lol.

 

Then on some real shit, I was talking to Kanika tonight (was with her allllll damn day cuz Monday is her b-day), and I just started thinkin'... Yo, I want a fresh start. I dunno how I'm gonna get that though. This rainbow community is so small and I just hate that everything I do has to be on the hush cuz I might mention a name and then someone knows somebody else that used to do this, that, or the other and wanna provide their unwanted opinions. I'm tired of that shit. And I'm extra tired of ex's that wanna lay claim and pop the fukk up when they feel like it. So, Boo-fukka and bye-bye to them. I don't have the strength or the patience anymore. If we are ex's I'm not getting back with you cuz everyone wants to talk all this big promise of change and most of y'all HAVE NOT changed. At all. I just want to start over... cuz I have messed up a few times in the past and I don't want any of that coming back on me. But I guess it is. Or it will. Fukk. We can't be perfect. I don't really strive for perfection; I just live and try to hurt as few people along the way as I can. That’s all I can say for now. I have a lot on my mind tho and I'm not sure how I'ma get all this shit outta my head.

 

I'm tired of people in my life in these FUKKED up cycles. Young. Walk away. . I'm bout to walk away from a bunch of shit. You can too.

I wish I smoked weed sometimes....

Ummm... today was just not my day. Nothing went right except that I can now breathe thru my nose. No really, that was the highlight....

I'll probably cry a lil more before I go to bed. I feel it trying to creep up. Shit. Thats why I went to sleep in the first place.

So I OWE Bowie money.... can't figure out why. They didn't give me the same loan amount from last semester. WTF?! If its not one thing... its another. I don't think I'ma be able to do the job I applied for if they put me in one of the dorms.. Blower. I really needed that.

Her death JUST hit me today in the midst of everything going wrong and me being without much sleep. Thats why I was crying... I was runnin' tho.. man. I was runnin' from it and I just couldn't run anymore. Just... counldn't do it.

I will break down what I mean. When things affect me or hurt me, I can't just let it be known because that makes me feel vulnerable. I just gotta pretend that I'm okay. It was how I was raised... conditioned. My parents, I love them dearly, had a hand in it. I remember once when I was in high school, I came home crying hysterically because a friend of mine (Leander) had been shot and killed. When I told my mom, all she did was ask was he my boyfriend and if I kissed him. I was so confused, like... what does that have to do with anything!? I was in pain. She didn't care. When I had my breakdown about a year ago... she brushed it off. I told my dad and he changed the subject to blackplanet. So... please, explain to me who the fukk I learned to talk to when I was hurting? I learned to talk to PAPER. Fukking paper! And people wonder why I hold how I really feel inside.

 

So Here it is...

I tried to explain how I felt tho. Maybe I will try again since she reads this... I love you. As a friend... yes, but still love no less. What happened between us was a mistake. A result of my weakness after initially being rejected. And I apologized. Told you how sorry I was for putting you in that position. I was prepared to just leave you alone and just be a friend. God... I don't know how to explain that I missed you but could never be with you. So yes, I was selfish momentarily. I took what I could. Accepted what I could not change and let my sounds of passion fill my apartment for those few days. Yes, I enjoyed it and the only thing that could have made it better was if you DIDN'T have a girlfriend. But you did and do... I am so happy for you. Happier than you could even fathom. Looks like I'm hating tho, doesn't it? Not even. I'm so glad that you have someone that compliments your spirit and loves you as much as she does. Lol. She is as fly as she wants to be... I guess seeing your signatures hit me in a way I wasn't expecting and it hurt so bad. I can't explain what was going through my head. I still don't know. But I just had to put some distance in there. I mean, to see that after you said, "our being intimate strengthened your relationship". After she called me selfish... after having my morals attacked by her.

 

I feel like everything I do has to be explained all the time for anyone to really get it. Why can't I just do something... why does it have to make sense to you... when you aren't me...? did you ever once think about how I felt? Probably not. You know that I will push people away if it means getting myself together. YOU KNOW THAT!! So why am I being attacked? Damn. You think its bullshit... you think I'm walking all over you, huh? I am not expecting you to hide you're love for her from me... not like you did before (walking out of the room whenever she called... I am not stupid). I just want you to understand that I am affected... was affected... I am not as numb as I yearn to be. I wish I could keep my heart on ice and only thaw it out when I felt it was necessary.

 

Lol. Bet you think this is a bunch of bullshit. The story of my life. Its cool tho... if my life were a movie, you'd still make the credits. Better than some... cuz others are definitely falling under "extras".

Interesting.

 

 

I think that I tried to be stronger than I really was. I tried to pretend like I really didn't care. I even made some pretty callous (sp?) comments about the situation. But here is how I feel:

 

Yes, I had sex with your girl. No, I am not proud of it. Yes, it was good. No, it wasn't worth me feeling like this or her feeling bad either. I listened to what you had to say because I felt like I owed you. But I think you are doing whatever you have to do to keep her in your love and that includes being "cool" with me. Kinda like facing your demons because you think there is some salvation in it. And maybe... there is. I don't really know. Yes, I am glad that you two stayed together because if y'all had broken up... she'd have been single. Cuz I don't want to be her girlfriend. I know me enough to know better. That doesn't mean that I love or respect her any less. She is a wonderful, caring person... I just don't know how to explain how I feel I guess. But for some reason, seeing the picture of y'all together... after all this time, hurt me. I mean, like Karma had a gun and shot me 2 or 3 times close range in the SOUL. And that... I cannot explain. Not at all.

 

I was good mood wise till then. I could take Her saying that "our being intimate strengthened your relationship." I could take you being condescending... I could take you calling me selfish even though I know how you meant it. I can take so many things, but just not that. And everyone wants to be so fukkin' cool. Ha! I think neither one of you fukkers should hit me up. Just continue to heal your relationship. My time to be in the middle of it is over. I'm done.

 

Default ring tone? Yes. That's what I mean. She's are now default. A regular. That's the way it should have been once we ended.

Dear "Teneur" (that is my petname for you)....

You're funny. You don't want to feel like the bad guy... thats too much like excepting responsibility for your actions. I'm still having a hard time finding the proper words to say what I mean. I don't want to be misread by you. I admit my part. Same on me for not saying No. Teneur... You want it simply put? You have cheapened an otherwise, passionate experience. Maybe I should have seen it coming, as I was pretty much "unfinished business". But you know what they say, ignorance is bliss. To be blissful is to be happy... so for a few happy moments I was willingly ignorant. I don't think you realized that I would react like this... Then again, my issue is not that you care... but the reality that maybe you actually don't care. So easily detached, you are. Playing with fire as if it is something you have done all your life... but if it was natural there would be nothing to hide and I wouldn't be asked to cuddle you as a victim. No... you are not the bad guy. Neither am I. I just.... have so many issues with how things were handled. Treat me as your whore if that is what I am.... don't touch me as if you care for me..... Thats confusing. Thats lying... You owe me more than that, Teneur. I have once again shut down on you.... because..... you are no better than those that have conducted themselves with such duality... Touching me like I am the only woman in the world yet.... telling me that I mean nothing. I say--- tell me that I mean nothing from the beginning so that I may have no question afterwards of what I may mean, let us not feel like lovers if we are really barely friends.... I'd rather my definition not change. So I say all this to say, I am not even a little upset with you... I'm completely upset with me. My apologies... apparently I used you to hurt me. How horrible I must seem.......

Darling...isn't it?

I.... am stronger than I fukkin look. I don't fall apart. I get my feelings out... sort them... Eventually, I even let them go. But I let my anger go once with you..... and now there's something else that needs to be "gotten over". You ask me not to shut you out.... why SHOULDN'T I shut you the fukk out of anything and everything that has to do with me. One of us has to do it. And you aren't going to do it on your own. So here, BABY... I'm doing it for you. I'd hate for you to stress over me AND her....

 

I don't know where to start or what happened... I'm trying to forget but I keep re-capping and... seeing our moments all over again... feeling your hands all over me and.... You can't read my mind but, man... you can read my faces, so although you're gone.. i'm still feeling remnants.... traces of where your tongue was... me grabbing your head.... how you liked the way I tasted... now this is a constant craving....

Oh well....... I dunno where that came from but that was all I could really think to write. I want something like that with whoever I fall in love with...

 

gotdamn... where do i start? i'll start where
she was left, unending... still living
but mentally gone from me.

so i angry at the world's imperfections and can't figure out my own direction cuz she was a good woman but... her life has been left to dangle at the whim of some unknown thread of indignity. i feel defeated.

i've been enduring pain and learning pain...... tryin not to let it stop me, i get spurred on by pain and let it continue to nip at my heels. it feels like a piece of me dies with each advance a woman makes towards me knowing there isn't anything of her left to give me..... but she tries, only to succeed in leaving me empty and sore. bruised because we couldn't make love out of nothing so.... she had to beat it up.

I can't cry anymore and each door i open is followed by 5 more closed doors, 2 whores, and .... all this running is chore. I'd rather just get sucked into negative thinking. i'd rather just turn black ass the last breath of life leaves me..... i'd rather leave peacefully than be at peace.

 

 

As soon as I realized
Just how much she meant to me,
I kept thinking...
"My healing is all on ME"
Cuz I can't be the reason WE don't flourish...
I see people slippin' and
Fallin in love... but
I just want to see God in her
Loving her "just because"...
So when I try to make that list of reasons
My hand cramps up
And I run out of ink and.. paper
Then I ask Him if I can just
Borrow a little of His sky and a few clouds
I tell Him to save me some raindrops,
Cuz there won't always be good days but....
Even her tears are beautiful...
I ask Him for self-understanding because...
Well...
She's more like me than anyone I've ever met
And loving her.... just feels like loving myself....
So much so that
Loving me, feels better than its ever felt
And now that I've seen her strength I
Have faith in my own.

 

Her Warmth.... My Warmth....

There are times when I think of her and the thoughts make me involuntarily close my eyes.... exhale. My mind is waiting for her touch, yearning her natural scent.... My mouth waters for her tastes, I'm baking up all kinds of lovemaking scenarios.... I.... I want to wait. I.... I want to be worth her time--- then go ALL night.... into the morning... coming up for air within the following week.... Peeking into next month sometime. But the limitless conversation between our eyes and bodies will never be enough. I want her so much that I am in no rush.... If she is love, damnit, I will wait.

DIP SET, bitch!! lol

Had to go with the flow of that thought so that I didn't forget anything. Started my morning with Moet cuz my bestfriend Tiff's birthday was the 15th (or 16th, don't piss in my cornflakes, i'm bad with dates). I couldn't let them into the apartment, so we had to find another secret location on Bowie's "dry campus" to get tipsy.......  Ok, but tonight was fun as shit. Me and Jen went out to Jaspers for happy hour.... Bout damn time she turned 21! lol. So we are drinkin martinis and snackin on mozzerella sticks, listening to a live jazz band and just talkin.... lol. Talkin like we been workin 9 to 5's all week. We have had worse. We had finals. Now we celebrate. But we sat there for like 2 hours.. and the waitress never brings us our check. She's no where in sight. Lol. We joke about just leaving but..... 20 minutes later I drop a tip on the table just in case and we DIP SET!! Lol. We got outside and was runnin to the car trying to hurry just in case someone figured out what happened. Then we went to see the Incredibles at like 10 something. That movie is funny as hell. I might have to cop the DVD.... The babies "special needs" at the end had as rollin all thru the parking lot. Shit. Today was funnnnnnnn

So many hilarious things were said tonight, I don't even remember.... lol. I tried tho. Feel better?

Feeling better......... I don't really know what to say about whats going on or how i feel cuz my mood changes from day to day. Sounds sane, i know... lol. I think that there is more to her distance than she is ready to tell me.... But we were on the phone last night for a whiiiile.. I'm feeling better about her in regards to me... well. In regards to us. My Darian's back! Thats my big brother, my kindred spirit. Lol.... He's back from grad school for a few weeks!